Don't Think
by ikhor
Summary: Maybe it had to do with that odd feeling in his stomach. He didn’t know, but then again he didn’t really want to know. Bringing a hesitant hand down to the corpse, he ran a finger across the side of the body’s face. Like glass, and his hair? Like silk.


Don't Think

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Raito's father had told him that L would be buried the day after his death. He supposed he was surprised. After all considering how odd L was as a person the fact the he was to have a perfectly normal funeral had shocked him. Raito had spent so long battling L that his rather abrupt ending left him hanging.

He was to be buried in a small private cemetery, which only few knew about. Raito had considered not attending, but he felt he should at least pay his respects to the detective that had irked him for so long. After all Raito had finally admitted to himself that L was in fact very smart.

The ceremony was a short one the Raito paid no attention to. The whole time he had in fact been staring at the coffin in which L lay. When the last person had given his speech, only half the people got up to see the corpse one last time. The other half left without looking back.

As Raito stood waiting for his father and Misa he wondered why so many people had been invited. He had not seen more than half of them ever before, and the one's that he did know were almost all gone. As his father neared him with Misa tailing behind he turned to walk silently beside his father before he stopped. He felt that he had to see the body one last time before all memory of the odd detective was buried and forgotten. Quietly asking permission from his father and the head of the funeral, he headed back toward the coffin, though he didn't dare approach any closer than a few steps until the room was emptied.

Nervously looking around he sat gingerly on the edge of the table that the coffin was placed on. Mentally sighing with relief that there were no cameras recording him, he avoided looking at the corpse. Trying to ignore the cold, death filled air that floated gently around him he opened his lips that were suddenly very dry and tried to think of words that would break this dead silence.

He had never been this close, let alone in the same room as someone he had killed. Knowing that he was sitting next to one that had been killed because of Raito's own actions unnerved him slightly. "You know I wish that I was the one who killed you," he whispered, so quiet he could barely hear himself. "It was cowardly of me to force a shinigami to do it for me." Here he paused licking his dry lips before sighing. "I wonder if I had waited a bit longer if I could have finally learned your name, and killed you myself," unsure of confessing all his thoughts to a corpse he finally looked at the body that lay beside him.

'Not L' was the first thing that popped into his head. The body was wearing a black suit, and the arms and legs were stretched out, so that had this body not been alive the day before sitting on a chair in that odd way of his it would have seemed perfectly normal. But it wasn't and for a moment Raito felt angry that they had forced L's body into this unnatural position. L wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be crouched up in a chair, legs drawn up to his chest, thumbnail in his mouth, and wearing his regular rumpled shirt and jeans. They had even forced shoes on him. Raito had to avert his gaze. He couldn't stand to look this thing that looked like L.

He felt a bit reassured that in fact this was not L. Just a body, just a lifeless shell. As he slowly stood up he felt a feeling stir in the pit of his stomach. As Raito stood looking lifelessly at the wall just above L's head, he considered this strange new feeling. Overwhelmed he turned his mind over to more pressing matters. Would he bring L back if he could? Yes he realized dully. He would bring him back, just to add spice and excitement to his life.

Maybe it had to do with that odd feeling in his stomach. He didn't know, but then again he didn't really want to know. Bringing a hesitant hand down to the corpse, he ran a finger across the side of the body's face. Like smooth glass, and his hair? Like silk. The feeling grew worse and at that moment Raito wanted nothing more in the world than for L to come back; For him to come back and posses this strange imposter body. He didn't like him not being here.

For the first time in years he felt like crying. Like throwing a tantrum screaming 'I want! I want!" over and over again. He jerked his hand back and stumbling backwards he closed his eyes, breathing slightly ragged. What was happening to him? Almost running backwards he made it to the door, and just as he was about to leave he knew what the feeling was. Guilt. Or was it affection?

He forced all thoughts from his mind and merely nodded to his father that he was done. Yes he was done, done with all this emotion, all these feelings he didn't want to touch. He didn't want anything to do with this anymore, and as he left with Misa clinging to his arm he licked his dry lips once more and almost stopped in dread. Sugar. The bittersweet taste of sugar was on his lips.

Shaking he ignored Misa's questioning glance and stayed quiet in the car. That night for the first time in months if not years he ate a sugar cookie. Sprinkling the cookie crumbs idly on the floor, he knew that he would never eat sugar again.

AN: Yeah a bit odd I guess… Not so good with grammar so sorry for any mistakes. So please review and tell me what you thought.


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